fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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