i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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