i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
