I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
