he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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