I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
