The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
