dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
