those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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