saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
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as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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