Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
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The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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