I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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