You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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