bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
