Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
