my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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