I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
