I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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