i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
