If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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