I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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