The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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