normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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