It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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