He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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