Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he wants to bone in the snuggie
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
