your parents love me but you hate me
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
