I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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