: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
