smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.