It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.