Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
