The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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