I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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