I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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