just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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