Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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