The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bring me that man meat
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
