ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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