I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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