Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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