my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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