i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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