I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
