i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
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She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
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I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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