How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You smell like stripper and shame
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were trust falling into bushes
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
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