I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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