final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
