She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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