I'm going to jail i love you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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