i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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