I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
