Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
did i walk over a car last night?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
