Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize