I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
