someone owes me an orgasm
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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